WHY WE STRUGGLE TO MOVE ON?

We all want to have a good romantic relationship. From adolescence, we flirt with our opposite sex. Some of us even start this dance at a younger age.

Because as we grow up, the love from our mother and family is no longer enough for us, and we want to be seen, loved, preferred and desired from afar.

Man exists in the eyes of the other. It almost determines its own value in the eyes, words and actions of another person. This is one of the reasons why we hurt so much during breakups. We feel worthless and inadequate.

It is this deep desire that is the reason why we cannot remain indifferent to this risky venture. In order to be liked and preferred, we try to dress nicely, behave politely and show our expectations. One day, that look comes. Someone notices us. These glances, which are a little timid at first, soon require intimacy. The person takes action and the adventure begins...

No one enters into a relationship to break up. We all want to be happy. We want to be with our loved ones at every moment of life and make our lives more colorful. As time passes, we have good memories as well as various discussions between us. Differences and disagreements become more pronounced.

Although people think that their love is being tested in a relationship, their communication skills are actually being tested.

It is necessary to overcome these problems in order to continue our pleasant life. But sometimes, no matter what we do, we lose our relationship. Separation has knocked on our door and we are left with ourselves with all the intense emotions. This period is challenging for all of us. Hundreds of questions and unfinished expectations, dozens of good memories...

For those of us who have truly loved and been attached, this period will be quite intense, often accompanied by despair. On the one hand, desperation, on the one hand, longing, and on the other hand, pride suppress in us. These are very critical times. We may also be prone to depression, and if we don't respect relationships enough, we may switch to another flirtation in a few days as if nothing happened. Those who choose this easy way out are usually those of us who have trouble loving and connecting. In order to cope with these feelings, which they met a long time ago, they learned to stay away from pain and skillfully suppress their emotions. The narcissistic nature of human beings is suitable for this. He can act insensitively, as if there have never been good days before. This rigid stance is sad for those of us who are left behind.

Did he never love me?

Has our love been a lie all this time?

Had he been cheating on me before?

What could I have done wrong?

You can duplicate these questions above. These questions, which are sought to be answered, can cause serious damage to our personality if they are not satisfied. We may stay away from the relationship for a long time, we may have a lot of difficulty trusting again, we may not let go of that person.

By the way, why can't we forget someone who broke up with us, who left us, who didn't respect our relationship enough to see someone else for a short time? How ridiculous, how embarrassing, isn't it?

Now, I guess I want to introduce you to a concept that you haven't heard of before.

The Zeigarnik Effect is a phenomenon that occupies an important place in the world of psychology and affects our daily lives. So, what does the Zeigarnik Effect mean? Named after the Russian psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik, this effect implies a better recall of unfinished tasks or situations compared to completed ones. In other words, when we leave a task unfinished, the details of this work become more evident in our minds, and this increases our motivation to complete the work.

The Zeigarnik Effect also manifests itself in the complex world of love and romantic relationships. This effect allows incomplete or unresolved situations to be remembered better than completed or resolved situations, and this can lead to dramatic consequences in love and romantic relationships.

When a relationship ends unexpectedly or a love story ends before it is consummated, Zeigarnik Syndrome comes into play. Unfinished loves or unfinished romantic relationships leave a more prominent mark on one's mind. The person remembers this relationship or love story more often and in more detail. This makes it difficult for the person to forget this relationship or love story and causes the person to think more about this situation.

Yes, I think we have learned the scientific equivalent of this situation, which I think we have experienced at least once before. Situations such as waiting for an apology, constantly stalking on Instagram, getting excited about whether he has looked at our stories are included in this concept.

Thus, most of us start our next relationship with these problems if we have spent this mourning period unproductively. We carry our anger, resentment, and pain from our past relationship. Now that's a big mistake. Besides, the person in our new relationship was not with us when we were going through this, we would be unfair to him. And in these days when we barely make it, we unwittingly sabotage the love we deserve. It is only a matter of time before problems begin in our new relationship soon. Because the mask on our face and tongue will not be enough to calm the storm within us. After a while, inevitably, everything we have suppressed will be revealed one by one. We will become unhappy again, sad again, and much more angry now. Think about it, is it worth it? What do you expect to happen to be happy after a relationship that ended negatively? To avenge what happened before or to be happier as soon as possible? The choice is yours...

Don't worry, I won't leave you in this state. Right now, I list my solution suggestions. My experience as a clinical psychologist tells me that the grieving period after separations should definitely be well lived. This period, which we usually escape, is actually the most important healing tool we have. Allowing our emotions as much as possible. Experiencing insomnia and loss of appetite for a while. Every day but see the truth. Now you've broken up and he hasn't called you again. And he won't. Of course, you have also made mistakes, make a list of them. Think about it. Learn lessons. Find sincere answers to yourself as to why I might have acted this way. Be sure to get the support of a psychologist or psychiatrist in this process. Continue your sessions on time and without interruption. Follow their recommendations to the letter.

In addition, throw away items that remind you of your ex. Stay away from common places. Stay away from places where you can see or be seen. Be sure to remove it from your social media accounts. You can even freeze your own accounts for a while. In this way, your hand will not go to your phone for stalk all the time, and you will not share photos that do not belong to you and that you are not ready for.

You can focus on your unfinished business and complete them. Like, for example, a master's thesis. You should definitely do light and regular exercise. Spend time with your friends, but ask them not to remind them of this situation. It's time to start a brand new hobby. It will be quite helpful to direct your interest and attention to new things. Most importantly, embrace your work. Focusing on your work can not only allow you to take a leap in your career, but it is also very productive to give your full attention to something that will benefit you.

After a while, you will realize that you don't think about it anymore. You are in good spirits. Success in your business has increased. You feel lighter and calmer. Now the space necessary for a new relationship has been slowly created.

Remember! The biggest mistake people make after coming out of a difficult relationship is to focus only on what was missing from the old relationship. When you find what is missing, it may feel like you have found a treasure, but you may have missed what you really need...

As Sigmund Freud said:

If a person is looking at a place, there is something there that he is interested in. If a person doesn't look at a place at all, there's definitely something there that they're interested in."

We are all unique human beings. We deserve to be happy, to love and to be loved. We don't need to be very smart, beautiful, good and successful for this. We can be loved in every way.

After getting rid of the burdens of the past and learning the necessary lessons, each relationship is happier than the previous one. We will all be forgotten one day. Remember, even great loves can end...

I wish you days full of love.